I’ve been a little MIA. Knee-deep in a new wave of grief, perhaps triggered by next year’s one-year anniversary of my husband’s death, and a little bit triggered by a friend who disappointed me in the worst possible way.
Somebody told me earlier this week that they think I’ve been going non-stop since Kenneth passed away and that I need to stop working so hard, and they wanted to strategize with me ideas to lessen the burden. Somebody else mentioned that they knew the one year was coming up and whatever they could do to help they would. I almost started crying right in front both of them. It was so nice of them to see it (neither of them are close friends or on FB).
I feel like everyone else thinks everything is okay. It’s been almost a year. Everyone has moved on.
But here I am. Currently still stuck. Still doing the work of grief while trying to manage all of my other obligations.
In this past year, I’ve learned so much about who I can rely on, and who I need to stay the hell away from because they have no problem adding hurt to a festering cesspool of pain. It’s not even what people do. It’s just that it becomes another reminder that without my husband, there’s nobody I can always depend on. That’s what hurts. Knowing that you have to do “this” (grieving and raising the kids) alone. Always. And one of these days I’ll finally accept it. Eventually.
In the meantime, I need to get myself out of this hole. I’m tired all of the time. Disinterested. Lacking focus. I want to feel happy again, and I know I’ve got some work to do to get there.
An article recommendation: The Work of Grief.