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Are You Having Fun Yet?

Me, 1999, Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem. I was 17-years-old when I went on my first international trip. My mom took me and my sister to Israel. A 16 hour flight around the globe felt like a big deal. I had only been on an airplane twice before that: once to San Francisco,…

Finding Open Doors

As summer vacation approached in the last weeks of school, when books were returned and grades were due and the countdown until graduation turned into single digits, I felt triggered. Kenneth and I used to look forward to summer vacation together. We had our teacher routines and an internal clock that knew without a calendar…

Screw the Boxes

A delayed post due to traveling to Australia. Here it goes: “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it,…

That Thing Called Fear

  (My lame attempt at drawing.) When you experience the tumultuous waves of grief that crest over your head and wipe you out over and over again, you learn to either sink or swim. Eventually, when your survival no longer feels like a daily struggle, you will find yourself with enough time and space to…

I Don’t Need Mother’s Day

I knew since I was a small child that I wanted to have children. My sister and I played with dolls regularly. I had a penchant for Cabbage Patch Dolls, and one of the highlights of my youth was my aunt taking me to the Cabbage Patch hospital at Hobby City so my dolls could…

Anniversary Table for Four

Saturday May 12th would have been my anniversary. Wedding anniversaries after death are tricky. Do they still exist? What do they mean? It feels odd to treat them like an ordinary day. They seem to deserve more notice than that. Kenneth and I got married on my grandparents’ anniversary, 64 years after they were married.…

Life Levels the Playing Field

The van door slid open and Ethan paused before stepping into the vehicle. “Today I learned I’m not popular,” he announced, and then chucked his backpack past his younger brother’s feet and onto the floor with a thump. I was a few minutes late picking him up from Japanese school. Not enough to really even…