Today, I turned 35. What a difference a year makes. Here is last year’s birthday post.
It has been a source of major distress for me in the days leading up to this birthday for two main reasons.
#1: I mean, come on. 35 year old single mother. Just that additional year sounds worse. Hopeless. All of this was imposed on me, my worst nightmare, and I’m sort of left alone to figure it all out. Now I’m another year older. Further away from my previous life. At this point I feel like I’m destined to be a single mother forever. I’ve always been a planner, and being suddenly thrust into unchartered waters without a map and a plan makes me uncomfortable.
#2: These dates/milestones are difficult for people dealing with grief. It’s a reminder that I’m on that train moving forward, whether I like it or not, and my deceased loved one (Kenneth) would never be getting on that train again. He never knew me as 35. I was 24 when we met. I’m getting older. He’s frozen in time. Yesterday I had the sudden thought that one day I will be older than he ever was. I felt compelled to visit him (on my birthday??!!), so my youngest and I did while we were waiting to pick up my oldest child from his coding class.I don’t know why it was so emotional for me. I guess I just missed him and wished he was here to celebrate with me.
Last year, a journal Kenneth bought me for my birthday
We went to L.A. to hike at Griffith Park. Well, that didn’t pan out. A parking situation, traffic, and not being able to take the trail we had planned sent us back to the drawing board. Plan B was to go find The Last Book Store in downtown L.A. We found it. It was awesome. I spent way too much (I have a serious love affair with books. We can’t get enough of each other.).
We headed off to Little Tokyo to have some Japanese food. Long story short, and this is really the story of my life, plans at the ramen place didn’t pan out and we ended up eating at Johnny Rockets (mediocre junk food) in freaking Little Tokyo. And because I’ve developed such a great sense of humor with life, we had an enjoyable time.
Sooooooo…tomorrow, we’ll continue festivities with the hike we were supposed to take (at a much closer destination), and who knows what else. Maybe gardening. Maybe a ramen place. Maybe just grocery shopping and laundry. I’m okay with that too.