Dear Me,
You have been a widow for 4 months and 1 week. You have learned to wade through the depths of despair, numbness, and pain. You have learned to become an only parent to three young children under the age of 7 when that was never in your plans. You have learned to cope and be resilient in ways you didn’t think you were capable of being or doing. You have done all of this while grieving the loss of the husband you loved.
You learned that you can practically get hit by a train and still get up and keep living. To still keep pursuing happiness.
You have learned that happiness is something you choose to seek on a daily basis. It’s a choice. It’s not a utopia or a destination. Happiness is living fully. It’s not perfect. Happiness can even be the raw feelings of pain and suffering and the process of healing, your hopes and dreams and all the small and big actions you take to achieve your goals.
I know it’s weird to say, but I’m happy. Even as a young widow. Even as I navigate stressful situations and financial dilemmas. I’m happy because I haven’t given up and there are so many choices I get to still make. I’m happy because I know–I know maybe even better than a lot of people–that things could be worse. I also know that all of this will change and life doesn’t stay the same. Sometimes it can change in an instant. I’m happy I’m alive.
Enjoy each day. Love. Practice gratitude and patience and empathy. Time is too short. Enjoy the baby’s chubby thighs. Enjoy your 6 year old’s spirit and enthusiasm. Enjoy the squeak in your daughter’s 3 year old voice and the way she hides toys under her pillow. None of this will last.
Love,
Your Observing Ego
Teresa Shimogawa 