One Month

Today marks one month since my husband unexpectedly passed away, leaving me with three children under the age of 6 and a broken heart.

I can’t say that it’s any easier. I guess we’ve gotten past the numb-stage.

Now I’m just tired. And questioning what I ever did to deserve this crappy dealing of cards.

But mostly I feel sick for my husband. Sick that his life was cut short. He didn’t deserve that. His death was instant, and for that I am thankful. I don’t want to think about him spending any fraction of a second thinking he’d be away from us. That would have destroyed him.

I notice all the little changes around me. New buildings that are being built since he passed away. My son’s first loose tooth that his father doesn’t get to see. A bush that got cut down. New flowers in the garden. Life is constantly changing. It doesn’t sit still, and neither can we. Impermanence. Nothing stays the same.

Today I dealt with coroner business and moped around a little, and a random thought popped into my head:

I will never find another partner who will love my kids the way my husband did.

That depresses me on so many levels.

But I’m still moving forward, whether I like it or not. Pushing through the pain. Letting myself feel emotions but not staying put to wallow in them. All of the stupid questions that linger in my head have to be said and pushed out. None of it is healthy to dwell on. It is what it is and we can’t go back and change anything.

I just feel like I’m on this desolate path, all alone (except for my kids), with a billion lonely days ahead of me. Nobody understands (unless they lost a spouse with small kids) and as much as they want to try to relate because their grandparent or favorite dog also passed away, they can’t. My significant other is gone. I found him dying in my house. Now I’m all alone. Nothing anyone says can change that for me. While hanging around other people helps, I’m still really alone. That’s the part of all of this that hurts. I miss my bestfriend.