I consider myself lucky (knock on wood). I haven’t had to deal with the horrific “when life doesn’t go your way” scenarios. I’ve had some pretty crappy stuff happen in my life, but I know it could be worse, and knowing that does make me feel lucky to some degree.
Still, we all have those crushing, disappointing moments that will inevitably pop up over time–big or small. Recently I was passed over for a job. I have to be honest: I’m a lot more crushed than I thought I would be.
Last week it was business as usual, and today there is such a deep hole in my heart regarding my professional life that I just don’t know at this moment how to fill it. I just know things won’t ever be the same.
I’m swimming through feelings of inadequacy, lack of purpose, anger, resentment–an entire spectrum of negative, destructive emotions that only tear down instead of build up.
I have to make a decision about my career: is this what I want to keep doing?
Right now, the answer is no. I am underappreciated. Undervalued. I’m in a position where the more you do, the more they ask you to do, and you can work your entire life to the bone for nothing–while others do the minimum and get away with it. What’s the point?
Here’s the thing: in my bones I know that when one door closes, another opens. I’m realizing that I sacrificed a lot of good writing time for extra bullshit related to my day job. Why? What is it I really want to do?
I want to write. I want to be a full-time writer.
How can I be a full-time writer if I’m not writing enough? And that’s what I’m working through right now.
Realizing that other people’s subjective opinions do not define me.
Reevaluating my priorities.
Fine-tuning my life plans.
Making time for the things that are important to me.
Clearing bullshittery off my schedule. Calibrating my schedule to reflect my priorities. Stop overextending myself.
Reassessing my goals.
Being the person I want to be.
Developing stronger boundaries at work. Learning to say no.